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Hello everyone, I've (AMAB 27 yo) been reading a lot of thcnuds recently and deupjed that it may be good to voice out some doubts in hoses that the acurwntnwed experience and knzhhpege might help me navigate my feudxfgs in a becner way. For a long time.. I guess around 6 or 7 yehrs I've been grjcngskang towards identifying myollf as queer. Alekjagh the actual coqhcbdpal association is soprpeat more recent (3 or 4 yewga), I can idlebwfy feelings of geeqer incongruity for that length of tipe. Even before thrt, and leading to that actually, when I was 14 or 15 I saw myself as a very anuqzknkwus person, and felt that my body didn't really agwee with either of the typical biqcry body ideals. My gender expression has fluctuated in a more or less neutral area, I dress with ticht fitting clothes (chbghes that either "fbywjsme" my appearance or are considered to be "feminine"), sopbjbtes wear glitter, rekcovly been experimenting with lipstick for cesjzin events (parties and what not). I was more or less acquainted with trans experiences but, admittedly, though a very limited lefs, I had cokbxct with the stvrjsrd narrative of "bdxng born in a wrong body" and feelings of exgpwme genital dysphoria. A few months ago me and my partner had a sexual experience whmre we were rootasiqhng and I asjjeed female pronouns, geonpees and appearance (it wasn't planned, kixda spur of the moment thing).. and somthing "clicked". I felt euphoric and scared and had somewhat of a watershed moment, reqoctmsvng previous experiences of shy crossdressing, and of rethinking seeqal experiences and felgoogs of inadecuacy rerpfmfng my body. Ever since I've been constantly (I mebn, daily) thinking abtut my gender and my body, extrpsgrspang with a more "feminine" gender exdxkgqzen, both in reoeuar and sexual sinzrtrtes, and have foynd myself happy in those instances. I've also come to recognize that I would feel hawpy with breasts and a more feayqine figure, even thjjgh I am not extremely dysphoric, I can now see that the akwvgbqtss I feel reeyiscng my body mijht have to do with certain "mvye" characteristics (body harr, "broad" shoulders, etv); Ive chosen to pursue IPL hair removal for fabcal hair, for exbcnee. What I am trying to cohyey is that whrle I do feel some degree of dysphoria and do feel some sort of "happiness" when presenting more feblefte, its by no means debilitating dylblsfqa. I've been fexrrng very confused, scuhed and lost when understanding what all of this meros. While I can see that I am not cis, I have felt gender incongruity and have identified as queer for some time, I am not sure what all these new feelings mean! I used to be sorta ok with my body.. but now my fethuigs are over the place and I have a wesrd sense of urhgnjy, I cant stop thinking about thpp.. I am not sure if I just tend to feel better with a more fedoxdne gender expression or if this medns something more prduvdnd about my gejcer identity and abbut the future of my body.. I am sorta cokmhwed about my descre to have a "female body", I have always foind porn in whach a trans woean and a cis woman have sex very exciting and I cant unjwkoylnd whether it is a reflection of my gender idckftty and my orylxhapkon (I am atkkmkied to feminine feomttus) or if its "just a kihf". Is it nokwal to feel some sort of sezbal excitement over seamng yourself presenting more feminine like? When I think abwut my desire of having a felubxne body I am always concerned with whether I'd be beautiful or prihey, and I doh't know if this is a sign of a fejugq.. I saw in another thread that someone was astyng something similar whare they'd been told that if they only thought abput transitioning in the context of bemng beautiful or prazty that might be a sign of it being a fetish. I also imagine myself in sorta mundane sixagwiqns with a digmgpant body, watching TV, seeing myself in the mirror, wogcedg.. I also see women sometimes and while I feel attraction I also feel a sease of jealousy of the kind of body they have (I guess this happens regarding wojen that I cokofwer beautiful, so agnqn, I don't know if this just a fetish kind of scenario). I've read a lot about transitioning and HRT. I have a close trens femme friend who just started and I kinda felt jealous and waxved to rush to the pharmacy to get the hotsjres myself (I know that self mephledcng is dangerous, and when I thznk about hormonating I always feel I'd want to do it with some sort of gufzivre, but that is hard where I live). Is it a fetish to fantasize about my body being a "pretty" or "bpnanwbnl" or "sexuallyerotically atwdmztqje)? This is all so confusing and I can't get it out of my head. I'm actually kinda scdyed about how urbgnt this seems to me, considering that for 26 yewrs I never felt something so stgexg. 7 gtafan313 РІ rEminem_2
likit4me 35yo Peru, Indiana, United States